Being a keyboard warrior is exhausting, especially in this day and age. You never know when you’re going to have the displeasure of hearing or reading something that you disagree with, so it’s important to always be on your toes. But, lucky for you, this is as easy as ever! Just follow these four simple steps and you’ll be well on your way to asserting your dominance whenever you choose to initiate or engage in a political discussion. You’re welcome.
Step 1: BE COMPETITIVE
The first thing that you need to know, in order to “win” a political debate is this: You are participating in a competition. You’re not trying to have an open-minded discussion, find common ground with your opponent, or expose yourself to new ideas. You’re trying to win.
Your opponent isn’t just a regular person like you, living their life with slightly different points of view; they are just simply a bad person. For example: if your neighbor supports the legalization of marijuana they are clearly a junkie and just want to get high, or if your co-worker is against gun control they are clearly an uneducated hillbilly and just want more school shootings to happen.
Because your opponent is by default subhuman it is, therefore, acceptable to attack them personally rather than attack their points of view, and to throw insults and obscenities at them. In fact, it is encouraged, as it will demoralize your opponent giving you an advantage.
Even if the person who you’re talking to doesn’t disagree with you, it’s important to always try and one up them and let them know that you are the better person.
Step 2: LESS IS MORE
Minimalism is all the rage these days. We – as a society – are cutting down our consumption of nearly everything, from cellphones, to furniture, to processed foods, waste, money, children, the list goes on. Of course, these are all good first steps, but why stop there? If we accept the concept that having less of these things allows us to actually have more of these things, why would we not want to apply this principle to knowledge, facts, or understanding of a certain topic?
Once we allow ourselves to let go, and to not know what we are talking about it’s common to actually become much more confident in the very little we do know. It’s all about quality over quantity. Not knowing what we are talking about allows us to be more lenient with the facts, only pick up information that confirms what our predetermined point of view, and will make it harder to challenge our current understanding of the topic, which will, in turn, make us more condescending. (Which is an advantage).
Step 3: CREATE AN ECHO CHAMBER
This is of critical importance. Never expose yourself to any form of media, science, ideas or ideologies that disagree with your current worldview. This will, in turn, strengthen the faith you have in your opinions, making you a stronger competitor in the political arena.
Let’s face the facts: There are dozens if not hundreds of different ways to approach any given political issue. But not everyone can be right about everything.
This means your opinions are fragile, so you must protect them. Even the slightest bit of exposure to differing opinions may force you to completely re-evaluate your own priorities, or maybe even your marriage. This is bad news. When you’re opinion is under scrutiny the worst case scenario is that your opinion will collapse and you will have therefore lost the debate, an equally horrifying outcome would be you becoming more open-minded and less condescending.
Step 4: EVERYTHING YOU DON’T LIKE IS SLAVERY, HITLER, OR BOTH
Is the minimum wage too low? Well, people who work in minimum wage jobs are literally slaves. (It’s the only logical conclusion.)
Has a European politician been critical of immigration? This person is the reincarnation of Hitler and wants to start another holocaust. (European politicians drink coffee, Hitler drank coffee, and politicians are into politics, Hitler’s into politics. Coincidence? I think not.)
Many people will argue that this is, in fact, trivializing genocide. Ignore them. By comparing McDonald’s workers to slaves you aren’t further demoralizing the workers, or making light of the slave trade or making light of generations of genocide perpetrated onto the African people. All you are doing is letting your opponent know how serious this topic is. So serious in fact, that, if they disagree with you they literally are in support of slavery.
Many people will argue that comparing thorough screening practices for immigration to the Holocaust is insulting to the millions of families affected by the torment and mass murder of that particular genocide, and trivializes the pain they went through. Some will even say that it makes you sound stupid, or like you’re too sheltered to even know what actually happened during the Holocaust, or you sound like a 14-year-old trying too hard to be edgy. However, this is simply not true. It only shows that you mean business and that if your opponent disagrees with you then they are clearly a Nazi.
Another way to effectively censor your opponents is to call them racist, sexist, homophobic, privileged, libtard, or cuck, or accuse them of trying to violate your freedom of speech. It effectively derails any intelligent discussion that was taking place and makes your opponent afraid to continue further with their ideas for either fear of sounding prejudiced or because they realize that you are incapable of having a mature discussion so therefore forfeit. Below are some examples.
Person A: I don’t think it’s fair that it’s perfectly acceptable to criticize Christianity, but when it comes to other relig–
Person B: OH MY GOD! You are so racist! How could you be so racist? What’s next, you think we should gas all Muslims, is that it, huh?
Person A: What? No! I have a black friend!
Person A: I believe that there should be fewer tax cuts for the rich.
Person B: Lol, getting triggered because of someone else’s hard work, fucking libtard? Lol. Liberalism is a severe mental disorder, lol.
Person A: Oh well, I guess you got me!
Person A: People can call themselves whatever they want, as long as it makes them happy. However, implying that there are 64 different genders and sexually identifying as an endangered species just doesn’t make sense, and it can’t be expected that people will take you seriously when you ask them to think of you in that way. I mean, I personally don’t know anyone who actually thinks these things but I’m sure they ex–
Person B: You stupid privileged cis white male! Stop being so homo/trans/robophobic.
Person A: What no! I love gay people! I had a gay experience in college and everything!
Person A: Donald Trump has been recorded casually talking about sexual assault. Is this really the guy you want running the United States?
Person B: Lol we’ve got a cuck over here.
Person A: Jeez, I guess you’re right.
Being “good” at politics isn’t actually about having informed decisions or suggesting innovative solutions to modern political problems. It’s not even about voting. It all comes down to one thing: a concept known as “mental masturbation”. You are simply trying to get yourself off by proving to yourself and those around you what a good person you are and how bright you’ve become, all the while being completely un-self-aware. If you follow the steps we have laid out for you correctly you too, will one day be a champion mental masturbator? You will learn to get yourself off in a matter of seconds. You will make snarky comments about oil prices to your barista at the local coffee shop, you will assume that everyone around you has the same political views as you and take great offense if they don’t. You will know how to act like a victim, tormented by the curse of being the only righteous person in a world of idiots. You will learn how to discern which articles you should share or not share on Facebook based solely on their headlines, post cringey political memes on social media and start arguments online with strangers regarding gun control or the legalization of marijuana. The possibilities are endless. So go forth! Use this power wisely! Irritate those around you, and inadvertently discourage young people to vote with your pretentiousness! Not only is it you’re right, but it’s also your duty.
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